I Need To Scream

OMG where do i start, hmm lets see for the past 8 months we have had an exchange student living with us. Great right?? Well its supposed to be. Everything you ever hear from commercials, friends, the student reps, are how absolutely great having an exchange student from a foreign country can be. You get visions in your mind of this cute little girl or boy who comes and stays with your family and blends right in. You see them having family gatherings with you,going to concerts, and even actually liking spending time with you. What you dont see is all the inbetween and the dirty little secrets that know one wants you to know about. What dirty secrets you ask? How about the neediness its like having a brand new baby at home that relies on you for their every constant need, and i dont mean where is the glasses kept, or what time is it?? I mean the constant i need to go here and i need to go there, or i know we just passed the store but all of a sudden i need to go back and spend an hour doing nothing but walking around embarrassing myself. Or one of my personal favorites them thinking that you do nothing but sit around and stare at the ceilings all day. School gets out at 3:00 so you would obviously think that if they needed a ride after school they would let you know a few hours in advance so that you can plan accordingly. NOPE been here 8 months and i can count the number of times i have actually been fore warned about this on one hand. No wait one finger (if that). We get told "can you pick me up in 5 mins" about 5 minutes before school actually ends. Can you see frustrating i dont know how many times i have been on the opposite side of town in the store and had to drop what i was doing to go pick her up, and then she acts like its no big deal because we were put on this planet for the soul purpose of being at her every beck and call. I hate ok so hate is a strong word i very very very dislike people that are rude, and have no respect for anyone, and let me just say she's both. Im at the point now where i can be sooo relaxed throughout the entire day and 2:50pm hits and the anxiety hits. ohh ohh and did i mention that another one of her foreign friends has moved in with us??? Yup 2 their is 2 of them, and now our first exchange student is acting like well no different than before but that the entire world revolves around her. Her and the little foreign girl #2 talks to my hubby when they want to do something like idk go to a party stay out till 3am. They only talk to me when they want a ride somewhere. So that brings me to another great point. get ready for lots of fights with hubby/wifey especially if you have differing opinions on child raising or they want to play you against each other. My husband lets this go on because he sees nothing wrong with anything they do. I honestly think they could go out and kill someone and have proof and he would say oooo welll they didnt mean to or my favorite their guilty until proven innocent. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH im so pissed.

Daddy's A Drunk

Ok so where to start. My husbands mom was a whore both during her teenage years and now (although thats another post altogether) But the point is he never could get his mom to tell him who his dad was,where he lived who it maybe or anything that would even possibly give him a clue of who helped to create him. Whether it be through some form of love back in 1978 or just a quick fling. When he graduated he told his mom the only thing he wanted was for his dad to be invited to graduation not to get my hubby anything, he didnt want money gifts, or to call him dad he simply wanted for the man who helped create him to see that even though he wasnt around for first steps, first bicycle wrecks and first dates that he did make it without him.His mom of course wouldnt tell him anything and and it got dropped what else could he do? Fast forward to the Summer of 2008 after Mike had gotten released from the Army after we met, fell and love and got married and to when our little boy Will was born. When our little boy was born I felt it was only right and fair to our kids to know where they came from and what diseases if any ran through their blood stream, after all how do you go to the doctor and answer questions regarding your dads side of the family if you only know half of the story. So because of this we started looking at a few different men who Mike had been told by various people throughout the years was a very good possibility of him being his father. None of them ended up being the right man for one reason or another. In the spring of 2012 a man by the name of Rick Roberts showed up on Facebook and asked mike to be friends. I asked Michael who he was as soon as it showed "became friends with" he said it was his aunts ex husband (his moms sister) ok so no harm no foul or so I thought. As i got to looking at some pictures on Rick's profile i started to put pieces together and notice similarities between my husband and this "uncle" Now if your like me your probably wondering how does an uncle with no blood running the same color as my husbands look anything like him?? I started asking Mike questions about it and he could remember various scenes from when he was very small with Rick carrying him around on his shoulders, smoking cigarettes together when mike was around 2 and one such occasion that his mom swears up and down she doesnt remember where him and his mom went to pick rick up at the airport and his mom asking mike "are you ready to go pick your daddy up"? Mike finally got the courage to message Rick on facebook one afternoon and ask him if he knew who his dad might be, at first Rick flat out said NO but about a week later he had a change of heart and asked Mike to come visit him at his house so they could sit down and have a man to man talk that he was tired of waiting on Brenda to tell mike so he was going to. Rick told Mike that he was told by Brenda when she first discovered she was pregnant that it was Ricks. Rick says he wanted to do the right thing and marry her but she wouldn't have anything to do with the idea. Soon after she started saying she didnt know who the babys dad actually was. Rick of course stuck around until Mike was a few years old and Brenda's family run him off because they didnt want him to have anything to do with Mike. Of course he ended up marrying Brenda's sister whether this was done intentionally so he could stay around Mike no one knows but they ended up having two kids together Brandy their daughter and Chris their son. After a few years they got divorced and went their separate ways.  The entire time this conversation was going on Mike said Rick was drinking and crying. He said he wasnt looking for mike to call him dad, or him call mike son but he would like them to have a relationship. Understandable?? I would think so.  In early fall 2012 a DNA test was completed that come back showing that Rick was infact Mike's father after 34 years and countless fights with Brenda; Mike was finally able to say with 100% certainty who his dad was. Christmas eve morning was spent with Rick and his wife Darla getting to know our kids  everything seemed to be going in the right direction. Until the real Rick soon started peaking around the corner. He got to where he was calling Mike at all hours of the night drunk of course and rambling on about how Mike and his mom dont get along and he doesnt wanna be the reason for it, and how he loves his grandkids and hopes mike will never try to take them from him and darla. Of course this started getting annoying after about the first 5 calls or so. But now lets fast forward to June 2013 mike forgot to call and tell Rick happy fathers day and it started WWII yup he called griping about how bad it hurt his feelings that Mike didnt bother to call and tell him happy fathers day. Wooptie doo i mean come on didnt the man just say he didn't want to be called dad?? Isn't fathers day reserved for those that call them selves dads?? So Mike apologized and we thought that was over and in the past. This past Christmas mike tried on several different occassions to call and text Rick only to get his voicemail. We thought this was weird but figured he was busy. Last night he called Mike out of the blue drunk again big surprise right?? and again he was griping and referring back to Mike not calling him on Fathers day, Mike tried to tell him that was in the past and asked why he was bringing it back up. But all he could do was bring up the fact that Mike had forgotten his birthday which was the 23rd of December and neither one of us remembered it. Mike tried to tell him that he has a T.B.I (Traumatic Brain Injury) from Iraq and he doesnt remember stuff without me usually telling him thats why he goes by facebook events to find out about birthdays and such. Darla got told happy birthday by mike because of this feature. Anyways because his birthday was on the 23rd and mike didnt tell him this is why he would not answer the phone, text or even acknowledge the fact that mike had tried to get in contact with him. He was pouting apparently. He let mike know that it hurt his feelings that he didnt tell him, and that we kept the kids from having Christmas with them because mike didnt tell him happy birthday and happy fathers day. Mike told him we did not keep the kids from them on any account them not seeing the kids was their own faults. I cant believe a man who believed

If I were to write a letter to me

Last week, I seen a post on Facebook about people writing a letter to their younger selves what would it say what would you tell your self to do or not to do..would you change anything about how your younger self would act or look?? After considering what I would say to my younger self I decided I wanted to try and write my own letter to me so without further adew please enjoy.

Dear Katee, 

    Let me introduce-ummmm your older self.. Yes yes I know your thinking what? how? why?  Well let me tell you when I was 15 I didn't have anyone to tell me about my future or even my present which is where you are now (my past) so I'm here to help you avoid some heart breaks and make some memories. First I want to start out by proving to you that it's me by saying look in your top drawer in your closet way in the back: I bet their are a pair of white thongs that no one knows you have and I bet if you look on your caller I'd you"ll see the phone number 479-497-1976on there a lot..why yes I do still know that number by heart and if that still not enough I'm the only one that knows about that condom you got from your best friend Jeniva that you gave to brandy one night....Ahhh I got your attention.

      Now I want to tell you the important things I chose to write you for. 

1) what you have with Brandy is just what their telling you puppy love..although you'll fall helplessly and hopelessly in love and swear its the real thing.....Don't waste anymore time with him than you feel you should he cheats on you time after time and then you go back to him because you think it was a One time thing and he loves you like you love him...HE DOESNT  I want you to remember one thing when you find the one your supposed to be with it'll be like having that first kiss all over again picture perfect beautiful sunset in front of you hands clasped hair wet feet dangling in the water and even though others are around for that one moment only you two exist...and one of the greatest feelings you'll have when you find the "one" you feel like your lips have touched before they go together like chocolate and wine..you just know he"ll be your best friend we didn't feel that with brandy.

2) We decide not to go into the air force although we seriously debate it time and time again so don't stress over all those books that dad wants you to study and trying to get into shape like you need to be to join..believe me when I say better things come and their is a soldier in your future..just not you;)

3) don't stress over your weight because when you start having kids it's all coming back instead have fun and dress that figure to show what you have, wear makeup wear low shirts and shake what yo momma gave you. I wish I had been more outgoing play sports now you'll regret it in the future, be a cheerleader or at least try out, and keep out of the party crowd you have many good friends who never drank and were virgins they went to one party and their lives was changed come Monday morning.

4) keep your grades up it pays off in the future 

5) Friends come and go but family last for ever. Don't stress about how many friends you have or if someone's mad at you most of your best friends now aren't your friends in the future. Everybody moves on and goes separate ways.

6) one of the last and most important things I have to tell you..no matter how many times having sex with brandy presents itself don't do it..it sounds like a good idea right now but believe me not only you but your soldier will be thankful later. 

  So have fun hold hands take those piggy back rides walk in silence take a drink of alcohol get in trouble for doing stupid stuff at school and take everything that your family says as a joke not an insult because when your my age family will be EVERYTHING. ohhh 1 more thing when Brandy mouths "I love you" as your getting seated for graduation say "I love you" back and then say "the end" the end to a wonderfully crazy sometimes hard sometimes sad high school life.

Always love your self first your family second and take every day as it comes...because it comes fast and before you know it your 26 writing a letter to your much younger self.

Love

Your older self

Katee Potter (yes your married) 

Nobody knows it but me!!!!

Why is it so easy to talk to our selves to make up stories in our minds about how certain scenarios will go how conversations or meetings will be played out but when it comes time for those meetings or conversations we freeze up, our mind seems to be doing the two step out beside us and those conversations we have had in practice mean nothing. I feel this is normalcy for me I can play conversations I want to have with someone out in my mind for hours but when it comes time for that conversation I sull up I become the quite me the one that gets run over by everyone in site and nobody looks back to see the damage. I've been told countless times throughout the past few years almost 7 to be exact, that I need to start standing up for myself stop taking crap from everybody and there brother. But, as much as the conversations play around in my mind and I keep telling myself I'm gonna tell so and so what I think the next time they make me mad, or start talking to me like I'm crap..but nope still haven't said anything to anyone..so there stands the famous questions of when, why, how. When will I stand up for myself when will I finally say enough is enough and start making the played out conversations in my head into a reality, why haven't I done it yet?? I'm old enough to know better and still to young to care, if only this were true..growing up I come from a family that taught obedience and respect respect for ourselves, for others and especially those that are older than ourselves. So there comes one of my main problems I have respect for everyone and that makes it almost impossible for me to speak my mind to that person. But yet coming from a family that shows so much respect to everyone and is brought up to show respect how am I the only one that actually does it??? How am I the only one that can't wont doesn't know how to stand up to those who hurt me??? I think this comes from being put down so many times growing up, being belittled and made to feel worthless and so low that you feel lower than than dirt (totally different blog :)) When you get to the point of feeling this low you eventually get to a point of being afraid to speak your mind. I truly believe this is my problem.

And in the beginning there were two

Where to start? Ok will start at the beginning i suppose. It was 6 years ago (2006) this past September when i met the love of my life my prince charming if you will. He was perfect or so it seemed at the time.We went to the movies, out to the river to look at the stars, etc.He worked in the oilfield so was gone alot, and because of this when he was home we spent every waking hour together. Now fast forward to November of 2006 we decided that after 2 months of dating we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We decided to tell our families over Christmas just how in love we had become. While his family was shocked mine wasn't really that surprised we had set the wedding for May of 2007 but have you ever heard the phrase "Fools Rush In"? This is exactly what we had became fools so to speak; because of circumstances we decided to move in together and get married in March. Everything seemed to be going good we of course had our little moments of did i really sign up for this? But who doesn't within the first few months or years. But getting back on track 2 months after getting married we found out we was expecting out first child and a week later found out we had lost it several weeks before. This was a major heartbreak for both of us. But thankfully Mike was their for me and took a week off of work to so he could be a shoulder for me to cry on. (btw did i mention he was a soldier and was even in Iraq for 13 months). After he went back to work and life started returning to normal i kept noticing little porn pop ups when ever i would get on the internet on our home computer. As small minded as i apparently am i would play them off as nothing.. until one day i logged on and decided to check the history and BAM he had been checking out countless porn sites sending waves, kisses, winks, etc.. This really pissed me off but i trusted him because when i would ask him about this stuff he would tell me it was nothing just something that came up in his email and he clicked on it. I believed him i mean why shouldnt I? We have only been married 3 months now and surely these problems arent already starting at only being married such as short time? So a couple weeks went by and i noticed a charge on our bank statement for $200.00 i called him at work and came out and asked him what it was for?? He said he had no clue so me being as stupid as i am i did alittle investigative work and found out that it was for a dating/porn website. YUP floored me to. I was so pissed when he got home i was on the verge of leaving but he come out and told me what it was for and that he liked looking at porn and didnt want me to find out about it. He told me he would delete it even made me sit their while he deleted it. Told me he was sorry blah blah blah. The usual im in trouble and been caught guy crap. Anyways moving on We got pregnant in October of 2007 and had our little boy William in july of 2008, In october of 2008 we found out we were pregnant again and had our little girl Kymbrial in july of 2009.. Yea we was busy lol. Anyways in the beginning of 2009 everybody remembers how the economy started going down the drain and out to sea, well so did the oilfield and mikes job. With him having an attitude it didnt help either. In July of 2010 we found out mike had lost his job and to put the Cherry on top of our already growing mess we had just signed the papers on our newly bought house and moved in the middle of April. How do you make payments on a house when the payments were coming from a job that has just been lost??? I remember spending lots of mornings, noons, and nights praying, praying that GOD would help us pay the bills, help our family stay strong when it felt like we was gonna fall apart. During this time I was working part/full time as a sub teacher this helped pay some of our bills, mikes disability check helped pay some more and have you ever heard the saying "we live overdraft to overdraft"?? That was us every month for 2 years..